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The Paw Print

The Paw Print

Satire: couples advocate for justice on Valentine’s Day

As the 5-minute bell rang on Wednesday, Feb. 14, the cheers of singles echoed through the halls. Songbirds on background vocals and confetti proliferated throughout every classroom. This marks the day couples detest most: Valentine’s Day.
This year, the Apple iPhone Valentine’s update was especially unpopular among Poly’s dating population. Junior John Doe described his hatred for the update, “I opened my phone during break and almost cried. My screen exploded with messages of ‘Independence is the way’ and ‘Dating distracts.’ That hurt ‘cause my girlfriend and I feel really excluded. Opening Instagram somehow took the theatrics to another level.”
Freshman Caroline Oakley also commented on the posts on her feed. “Every swipe and scroll brought me to a new image or video of singles shaming couples. And these captions…they’re wild. But some went a bit far, and I started feeling super cringey and embarrassed when I read them.”
Oakley shook her head and confessed, “I know Valentine’s is supposed to be a happy day, but every year I just feel ashamed of my love.”
During our interview with Oakley, the ASB decorated lockers with posters publicizing independence and singles’ rights. The signs defamed couples on campus, criticizing them for seeking joy in others.
Senior Ty Anderson shared, “The festivities make me regret asking my girlfriend out…no, I am really happy right now and I know that we both love each other very much. But looking around, I feel ashamed, walking up to my bare locker with a bouquet.”
Lovers’ last straw today came as they learned about the Poly student giveaway a fan-favorite artist was holding. World-renowned performer DJ Quotient was giving away one free ticket to his concert in L.A.
Grateful to finally find something to do besides listening to classmates shame them for their love, many hurried off to fill out all the information to join the giveaway. Then, about 20 seconds later, Anderson came running back, shaking his screen, which read, “Please note this giveaway is only available to single people, as its purpose is to celebrate all the single individuals in our community! Have a lovely day!”
Anderson yelled in frustration and stormed out of the building. The cheers of singletons celebrating their independence overwhelmed him.
Grieving, some couples decided to host a vigil to mourn for the social lives lost on this tragic holiday.

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