Let me set a familiar scene: you wake up on February 14th, blissfully unaware of the date. It’s another gloomy February day to you and you can barely justify getting out of bed. Unfortunately, the day is only going to get worse once you’ve looked at your calendar—-it’s Valentine’s Day.
Dear reader, never fear! Whether you’re looking to jump into the dating world for the first time, “just think it would be funny” to try actually dating someone instead of pining over an unrequited delusion-ship for three years or have recently broken up with a certain advice column author, I introduce my step-by-step, how-to guide on getting with the partner of your dreams.
1. Stalk them
Some may describe this action as “observation” or the act of “paying attention to your surroundings.” My advice: learn as much about this person as you can. If you’ve already spent all of the first semester lusting over their hair from the back row of a Poly building classroom, you should be set, but if this love is a recent development, you may want to learn what color pen they use to correct their many missed AP Bio answers, their favorite candy or what their love language is. This information will be highly valuable to you later.
2. Get their friends in on it
Ah, the middle school classic. If you want a foolproof way to make sure the path to your loved one’s heart is wide open, tell all of their friends! If your dream partner is actually the one, none of their friends will be nosy, big-mouthed narcs who spill your secret to the whole school, which makes this a great litmus test!
3. Stage a peace-disrupting, world-changing flash mob
Regardless of how introverted, closed off, socially inept or lonely this person is, I am entirely confident that the one thing they want for Valentine’s Day is a flash mob to your favorite song (not theirs—this part is crucial). Remember to blast the music, dance your heart out and stage this event in the most public location at the busiest time possible. Some recommendations include the Americana on a Saturday night, the Junior patio at 12:35 pm on a Wednesday or the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Inauguration Day.
4. Apologize for the flash mob privately 😉
By taking them to a lovely, three course dinner at the nicest restaurant you can afford (yes, YOU ARE paying), opening the car door for them when you drop them off at their house, and giving them a chaste kiss on the cheek on their front porch. What did you think I meant?
5. Enter a six month long talking stage
Like all good things, love takes time. After all, your dream partner has to make it through the six other people on their roster before they decide if you’re the one or if they were just that bored in Calculus. If things are REALLY going well, you may consider posting a photo to your Instagram story of you at a nice restaurant with TWO dishes in front of you. Who knows, maybe your partner will even interpret this as you professing your undying love, and you can finally stop referring to them as your situationship? For the WEAK and PATHETIC among us, you will never advance past this stage. You might even have your first kiss with them and still not be allowed to meet their family because they’re “still figuring things out.” But that’s just a hypothetical.
6. Hard launch to a trending TikTok audio
I wanna show you off, I wanna brag about it. You could call her phone and I’d probably answer. We never show up together but I text him when I’m ready to go. After all of the hard work you’ve put in these past couple of months, you deserve 40 DMs asking you if they at least have a redeeming personality! So, go ahead, post them on your story with one of these songs! Make sure the post aligns perfectly with the aesthetic of your account. After all, it will stay on your account forever and ever and ever.
7. Break up three days after the hard launch because they’re “too busy for a relationship right now”
This one is sort of your fault. Haven’t you noticed how many hours they’ve been putting in on the court/field/rink/pool? They’re so close to being recruited. What did you want them to do differently? They have NO memory of ever telling you that they loved you. You’re making stuff up again. Just get over it, you were never that serious anyway. It’s not wrong if they’ve been liking other girls’ posts for the past couple of months; they’re allowed to have friends. You’re being so dramatic. Their mom never liked you, either. But, anyway, you guys should totally stay friends. No hard feelings, right?
8. Write a poorly disguised advice column implying that they should get back together with you
[REDACTED], please call me back?
Hopefully these pieces of advice work for you, and you don’t have to spend yet another Valentine’s Day watching “10 Things I Hate About You” and crying in your bed. If not, I’ll see you on February 15th in the discount chocolate aisle.
Yours (but especially yours, [REDACTED]?),
Maddie xx