Dear prestigious university,

You might be wondering how, as a high-achieving student graduating from an elite college preparatory school, I spend my free time. Naturally, my extracurriculars are a reflection of my values and priorities. Everything I do is with the intention of improving the lives of the people around me: it’s important to me to use my power as an educated young person to make a difference in my community. Therefore, these are the activities that I spend the most time doing.

Showering. Hygiene is a non-negotiable for me, which is why I spend nearly an hour in the shower after school every day. The longer I stand beneath the hot water, massaging cruelty-free shampoo into my scalp, the more time I have to reflect on what makes me unique and how I can use my natural gifts to help those with none. When I emerge, towel wrapped around my head, I enjoy drawing smiley faces on the fogged-up mirror. I blush a little: the faces remind me of the joy that I have spread through my service. Sometimes, I gaze at the geometric designs on the bathroom tiles, trying to figure out where they start and end. Your institution will undoubtedly benefit from my logical thinking, which is at its sharpest after I finish my 10-step curly-hair routine.

Reading magazines. There’s nothing quite like flipping through those glossy pages, skimming the articles and studying the pictures. The personality quizzes remind me of my purpose in life. Of all of the desserts, I really am like a donut: sweet, charismatic, and loyal. When I’m feeling extra ambitious, I attempt the crossword puzzle. Each letter that I pencil in gives me a little rush of endorphins. It’s funny to think that one day I’ll be using those same 26 letters to write a memoir about the challenges that I’ve overcome.

Eating snacks. After my draining afternoon, I like to tuck into a family-sized bag of chips. After all, family is what’s most important to me. On some days, I also enjoy a couple Oreos. It’s during moments like those, as I separate the chocolate cookies and lick the cream off of one half, that I feel most grateful for the people in my life who have allowed me to achieve all of my accomplishments. I then wash down my Oreos with a glass of cold milk. I worry for a little bit about the ethics of industrial cattle farming, but, because of my advanced intellect, I am able to assuage my worries pretty quickly. By that point, I’m already thinking about what color I’ll paint my nails.

Yours studiously,

Competitive applicant 

*This article is the first in a running satire column this year.