It was two weeks and ten inedible Epicurean lunches into the school year that we read “A Modest Proposal” in English class, and I’m absolutely certain that the words of Jonathan Swift have never spoken to anyone more deeply than they did to me then. His empathy for the Irish paupers, his supreme logic and reasoning, his problem-solving innovation: he was an inspiration. As I finally arrived at the front of the endless Haaga lunch line one Thursday only to find that they had run out of mashed potatoes, it occurred to me that maybe 2026 Pasadena and 1729 Dublin weren’t so different after all.
My peers who passively complain about the lack of Epicurean options or the poor quality of the meals are in need of a clear, actionable plan. They seem not to be grasping the gravity of the situation, which could soon leave students acutely malnourished or hospitalized for trauma. Indeed, anyone who walks the halls of our great institution faces the burden of seeing starving students collapsed against walls, whimpering feebly for help. We must no longer accept this status quo. How can we, when the solution to our hunger problems stands right there in front of us, writing calculus problems on the whiteboard?
With Haaga looking like a food desert and our off-campus privileges banned, our only option is to find a new source of food right here on campus. Poly has long prided itself on its impressive faculty, who have satiated the curious minds of students for decades. Now, in this time of hunger, they must satiate a different kind of appetite.
What a privilege it is to attend a school with such a high teacher-student ratio! We will be lucky to enjoy a sizable meal each. Some might worry about a drop in the quality of instruction, but they can rest assured that, with the faculty in our stomachs instead of their offices, our tuition will also, undoubtedly, drop.
With this new menu implemented, students can say goodbye to stress about tests and grades for good. Your English teacher, who you know won’t like your essay? More salt, please! Your Science teacher, who always cold-calls on you when you aren’t paying attention? Bunsen Burners were never put to better use. We spend class time counting down the minutes until lunch anyway, so I’m sure our teachers will be grateful for the opportunity to meet us where we’re at.
One of the biggest concerns about the school lunches is their lack of nutritional value. Well, what could be healthier than locally sourced ingredients? Our options here are limited: we can’t eat each other (if we did, who would populate our sports teams?), we can’t eat the administration (if we did, who would hire new food?), and, for obvious reasons, we can’t eat ourselves. Only one option remains.
We must act now, before it’s too late. Soon, like the Irish beggars before us, we will be forced to sneak out and pilfer necessities from the Erewhon on Lake. Worse yet, we’ll be too hungry to focus during Morning Meeting. So, please, join me in taking matters into our own hands. It’s what Swift would have wanted.
*For context: “A Modest Proposal” is a 1729 satirical work by Jonathan Swift. It proposes that Ireland’s crushing poverty and overpopulation be solved by having poor families sell their children as food to wealthy English and Irish landowners.
